Saturday, January 7, 2017

Good news that disappoints

There's always a sort of dichotomous struggle I go through whenever I get sent in for another test of some kind. It's frustrating because, I suppose, there's obviously no control I have over results of any MRI/CT/EEG, and yet there's always a part of me that feels I should "make" my body give answers.

Answers are the only real thing I ever want.

The last three or four months of 2016 weren't great ones for me. My migraines were getting more aggressive, I was developing new symptoms and presentations of pain, my vertigo has been getting increasingly debilitating, etc. December was pretty much a farce in terms of being reliable in any way. But what am I to do? It's par for the course that I develop new...specialties, shall we call it, as time progresses. It's just my thing.

I had an MRI mid December, ordered by my neurologist to check for any physical changes in my brain. That's pretty much SOP for whenever I get new symptoms. Honestly, it'd been almost a year and a half since my last one, which might seem close together for some, but there had been a time when I was having either an MRI or CT about every 9 months, searching for something that would give answers to why the status migrainous had started. Eventually it was decided that, as it was phrased, if I was going to have something, I would have been dead already, so we really stopped with the constant testing. That was nice, but frustrating, I suppose in a way. The answer to "Why the pain?" was No Answer. Very zen, very unhelpful for getting a diagnosis.

As always, when I realized we were going to go check for physical issues again, part of me really started to freak out. Understandable, I suppose. Getting a brain tumor isn't high on anybody's Xmas present list. On the other hand, there was that small part of me that was hoping, not for a tumor per se, but for something, finally, I could actually point at and say, "Look, that's it!"

As always, in the end, the only thing I truly hoped for was answers. 

I got a call from my neurologist a few days ago, giving me the results of the MRI. I have, as usual, a "beautiful brain" to use his words. Nothing abnormal, everything as it should be.

So hurrah, there's no tumor that has started to develop, nor any other sort of physical issue that could start causing a lot of issues and other problems I can't even imagine.
But, yet once more;

My answer is 
no answer.

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