Monday, April 1, 2013

Botox and playing catch-up Part II

This blog entry is a follow-up to Botox and playing catch-up Part I. It can stand alone, but will make greater sense in context.

From my personal journal on Feb 6, 2013:

Ever since I got the Botox injections last December, I've been flying blind, by the seat of my pants when it comes to knowing WHAT THE HECK my migraines are doing. The pain signal has been, comparatively, wiped out, and thus everything that I could explain well went out the window. It threw me off then, and it's still throwing me off over a month later. 

I have a pretty severe migraine spike right now; I know this. But I feel so stupid on the surface for saying that, as I'm at a bloody 7/10. I mean, how pathetic is that? I LIVED at 6's and 7's for YEARS, and all of a sudden, it's a Big Deal to have a 7. But the thing is, that while the migraine pain was the most obvious and understandable symptom of the migraine/s, it also kinda made me forget all the other ones that it eclipsed. 

The eclipse is now over. Nausea, vertigo, fatigue, painsomnia (when the pain won't let you sleep), pain-brain, etc.; I've got them all. I find myself struggling to function with minimal pain levels, and part of me insists that I Carry On, as the pain doesn't have me nonfunctional. The fact that I'm still nonfunctional is besides the point for some reason. It's like the pain was my witness and alibi for allowing myself to take care of my body.

This is all so very frustrating. This is probably reading like a short, simple entry, but so far it's been over 45 minutes to think, process, and type this much. 

Am I going to continue the Botox treatments despite it messing with my mind like this? Yes. Dr B said it could take 3-4 treatments to reach full medicinal levels. So I don't know what I'll end up being like when all is said and done. And also, quitting now would equal chickening out of the fight for normalcy in my book.

Why do I need pain to validate myself? Is it because I don't know an existence without it? I have no memories of what No Pain is like, if there were ever any memories like that. 11 years of a constant migraine is a long time, and it's basically actually closer to 15 according to Dr G. That's over half my life I've lived in near/constant migraine pain. 

Maybe it makes sense that I don't know how to justify my actions without the pain? After all, the problem is still there, it's just that the red warning light has been dampened.


  1. Only a few people are aware of the fact that Botox is used for curing migraine, while majority of people take it as a means of anti-aging treatment.

    1. You have an excellent point. Botox therapy targets an entirely different set of muscles and is, usually, far too little product to achieve a cosmetic effect. Botox therapy targets referred pain locations, where it *feels* like there is pain during a migraine. In reality, it's just chemicals and neurons firing in the brain, but the nerves on the outside get activated, creating the sensation of pain. By injecting the Botox in those places, the goal is to break the pain signal loop.


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